My therapist and I agreed that writing two to three times a week would probably be the best choice for me. I'm not great at writing. I tend to forget. I tend to not want to. Its hard sometimes for me to put what I'm thinking... What I'm feeling down in words. But tonight... Well, I was halfway through cooking dinner a few hours ago when I sat down and just started crying.
I have been dealing with depression off and on for almost my whole life. It could be a chemical imbalance, or it could just be who I am. I'm extremely introverted, and prone to anxiety attacks. Usually just at the thought of leaving the house.
I tend to plan my day in my head, sometimes just the next couple hours to the entire day, and as soon as it goes off track I can't just roll with it, I tend to break down, get bitchy, and generally just lose it. Which sucks, because I have two babies that I take care of 24/7. One is four, almost five, the other is just over a year old.
We live with my parents because I'm having a hard time finding work. And lately I'm thinking that this was the worst thing I could possibly do to myself.
In the beginning my mom was a big help, making sure I didn't get overwhelmed with my oldest and that I was able to function. The anxiety and depression cause spikes of anger sometimes, and my daughter seems to set them off worse than anyone else. I've finally learned how to step away from her when she's not doing what I ask and when she's being particularly difficult. But now that my mom has learned about my anxiety she feels that its her job to push me as hard as she can to get over it and I just want to punch her sometimes. Its not something you can just push someone through. Its something I have to learn to cope with and work around. Something my THERAPIST is helping me with, I just don't understand why she has to step in and do something so totally unnecessary. I can understand wanting to help your child with something difficult. But she really isn't helping me, she's actually making it a lot worse. She shows up at random times and demands I do this or that and doesn't help with anything, even around her own home. For the last month or so (yes, I know, that's not that long, but you have to understand that I go through periods where I am completely incapable of even getting dressed because of my depression) she has been, basically, absent in our lives. And then she goes to other members of our family and acts like she single-handedly saved our family when in reality its been my therapist who has been helping to push me to be a better person. All of these changes have come about since I finally started seeing her.
Yesterday she showed up out of the blue just as I was finishing up making dinner, told me she needed to go get my dad and then disappeared again. I ended up having to rush my kids through their dinner, not getting to eat with them, and then my youngest didn't get a bath cuz she went straight to bed when we got home. My oldest was pure exhausted, which means total attitude. And she didn't help me with her AT ALL. Maybe I'm just being a whiny bitch, but you have to understand, I struggle with the every day, most days. I'm up until 1 or 2, doing dishes and cleaning the girls' playroom lately, and then my youngest wakes me up between 6 and 7. So I'm getting between 4 and 5 hours a night. I'm not showering, I'm barely getting dressed. All I ask is that she help out, you know? I'm vacuuming the house, cleaning the bathrooms, keeping the kids in clean clothes, cooking EVERYDAY, and taking care of her house, and she acts completely ungrateful. I mean, I know she's paying all the bills, but this used to be a partnership and now it doesn't feel that way at all. I'm tired, all the time, and my four year old is taking advantage of my inability to stay awake during the day (I take two hour naps while my 1 year old is napping cuz I'm just too tired to move most days if I don't) and getting in a lot of trouble. And I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm pretty sure she's acting out cuz no one is paying a lot of attention to her, we're all just kinda going day to day. But I'm not sure how to fix it outside of stopping the house-cleaning that is keeping me sane.Which, even with all of the work that I'm doing, the house is still a mess. You can't see my desk, my bedroom floor is covered in probably every article of clothing I own, and I haven't done the girls' laundry in about a week and a half.
And behind all of this is my fiancee. I was supposed to be living with him by now, but every time I try to move out, my mom lays a guilt trip on me. The last time we talked about this (in January) she said the worst thing I have ever heard come out of her mouth... "I can't believe you're taking [oldest granddaughter] away from me and your father." Not 'our granddaughters', not 'the girls.' Just my oldest... I don't know why I'm still here.
Oh, right, my fiancee's pedo step-father came home from the hospital and I won't subject my oldest to us living in a closet 24/7 again... See, we lived with all of them back when K was a baby, until she was about 20 months old. Then we moved into a different closet, into a different depression, into a different situation... Then we moved to Nana's...
And since we've been here my fiancee has been absent a lot lately. Him and mom don't get along. And he chooses to stay away, and she chooses to treat him like shit behind his back. She doesn't want me to be with him...
There's so much more I can say. I wrote like four or five pages on the two of them in my physical journal, but I'm going to transcribe everything here because I have no privacy here and I don't want anyone finding my journal... They'll just read them and tell me I'm being an asshat for not appreciating them more, when that isn't the problem. It's just what my mom will perceive as the problem.
